Yoga is transformative.
Yoga as an inner revolutionary act is an act of defiance against the inner status quo. This inner status quo is the conditioned self or ego structure, something externally influenced by parents or guardians and their religious and political beliefs. The conditioning is further enhanced through education and the external environments we find ourselves in; friends, social media, TV, etc.
Our ego structure is formed by everything that happens to us consciously or unconsciously throughout our lives, but mostly, according to Freud et al. in our childhoods when we have least choice or resistance to it.
At certain points we come into contact with crises, usually catalysed by external events, e.g., the death of a loved one, divorces or accidents involving self or others close to us. When these events occur, our world may fall apart. We may lose ourselves, or who we thought we were, and life may seem pointless. But life can seem pointless with or without a crisis to catalyse it. This is a normal part of being human, surely.
I personally have a strange dichotomy; being (a) Lazy and (b) Radical.
Prior to lockdown I was teaching five Yoga classes per week. Because I like teaching about breathing and relaxation more, my inherent laziness avoided the challenging yoga postures. But when we started teaching online in March in order to get the teaching across, I did the classes to demonstrate what I was talking about. From doing virtually no Asana practice, I was doing at least one hour every day. And like most of you my practice got easier as my body released tension over time.
Around the end of May, I started going for walks. As the walks got longer, I noticed tension building in my lower back. In the routine of everyday yoga asana practice and not being free to go out as often as I wanted, I came up against the ‘meaninglessness dilemma’. ‘What am I doing this for?’ is a favourite thought for me ☺
The Yogi ignored the questioning voice. He also ignored the tension building up in his lower back, not out of ignorance, but because he saw the physical pain and the grumbling voice as two negative feedback loops from the past.
The Yogi pressed on. He wanted to induce a crisis, wanted to be free from the negative patterns. It was a conscious decision made by someone who’d been using Yoga as a ‘spiritual’ practice for twenty-five years.
Several weeks ago, on a Monday morning, everything seemed utterly pointless. I couldn’t understand why I was teaching yoga, especially when I was in so much despair myself. But as I was expressing this another part of me (the yogi) knew this too shall pass.
However, on the Friday of that same week my lower back went into deep spasm and as I writhed in agony, from which there seemed no escape, I eventually dialled 111 and managed to get a prescription for Lorazepam (muscle relaxant) and Cocodamol (pain killer). I took two of these and eventually passed out. When I woke the next morning, I felt relaxed and was in no pain. I didn’t take any more pain killers, but I took the Lorazepam for two more nights to help me sleep.
Here I am several weeks later pain free, but with some numbness in my left thigh muscles. Apparently, it’s an impinged femoral nerve. My mind is back on form, and dare I say, stronger and more positive than ever. The underlying pattern of spinal tension revealed in the crisis had been there a long time. I now have more flexibility in my hips and lower back and less pain overall.
Not everyone will agree with my method, but I followed my inner wisdom and I didn’t listen to the limiting adjuncts of the conditioned (negative) self. When I try and imagine what would have happened to me had I not known what I know, I wonder where I would have ended up? On painkillers? Tranquillisers? Surgery?
Challenge the status quo! And don’t be afraid to move forward.
Terry 😊
